Last Saturday, at a ham swap that I attended, Scott, N8SY, our division director, came up to my table and extended his hand. I just couldn’t shake it, though. When I didn’t reciprocate, he asked, “You’re not going to shake my hand?” I said, “No.”
He asked why, and I said that it was because of the way he voted on the disqualifications and the By-Law 18 modifications. He started to try and explain his votes, but I have heard his explanations before, and they just don’t make sense to me. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him about that just then. He said, “OK,” and went on his way.
Was I wrong to spurn him like that? Personally, I don’t think being congenial about it would have been the right thing to do. I wanted him to see how angry I was about the way he voted.
I’ve asked a couple of friends about this. One said:
I think you have to express your views as you see fit. You weren’t an asshat. Yiu just didn’t shake his hand. And, you calmly told him why. It was an adult approach, IMHO. You let him know that his vote was not appreciated. He needs to know that how he votes is being watched by his voting constituency.
I’ll ask you, though. Was I wrong?
UPDATE 3/7/25
Thanks for all your comments. So far, seven have said that I wasn’t wrong, five that I was. I do hope that he got the message that I—and many others—are very angry with the way he voted.
No Dan, you were spot on. More hams need to do the same in public, it’s the only way to possibly force the League to get their heads out of….the sand.
73 de John K2ZA
I think it’s quite fine, especially in this day and age. We are way too congenial and friendly to those who are against our interests. I apply this to areas outside of amateur radio. When I see someone who obviously voted for someone in power who wants some of my family members unemployed, deported, or, even worse, dead, am I really obligated to put on a polite face and shake their hand? No. No, I’m not.
Right there with you. I’m done appeasing these people.
Being rude is a great way for people to ignore your opinions.
Shaking hands and asking why he voted that way and the giving your side would have been much more productive.
I think you did the right thing Dan.
If someone had personally wronged me or a family member or a friend, or if someone had committed a crime or misfeasance/malfeasance/nonfeasance in office, I’d not shake his hand. But if he simply disagreed me with me on something, even something important, I would. I’m not happy about the bylaws modifications but I don’t believe they rise to the level of misfeasance/malfeasance/nonfeasance.
Yonally was one of the three on the Ethics and Elections Committee who voted to disqualify Dan Marler, K7REX, AFTER the voting started, I’m not so sure that that decision hasn’t risen to they rise to the level of misfeasance/malfeasance/nonfeasance, Chuck.
Being rude to people to people who hold a different view to you may you feel happy fior a while but it will acheive nothing.
It could have been an opportunity to find out why they voted as they did and give you a chance to explain your position.
Understanding and change only occur when people talk to each other. The result of your actions is you are none the wiser about the reasons and they’ll have a very negative impression of you and are unlikely to pay attention to anything you may say in the future
I spent 26 years on Active Duty with the U.S. Army – we greeted fellow soldiers, subordinate, peer, superior with a salute that acknowledged their rank and/or position not their whether I liked or disliked them. Worked for a number of folks who I personally disliked, some tremendously, BUT I rendered them the salute not because I was required to but because it was the right thing to do. As another poster pointed out in our turbulent times today our reaction to shun the other person because of their viewpoints only leads to the division which we are now richly deserving. Yeah, you should have shook his hand.
And, bottom line, if you don’t like how he voted so very, very much then run for his elected position and change things. “Nuff said…
Sorry, but I’m ineligible to run because I sell study guides and that would be a “conflict of interest.” In fact, just to show how inattentive this guy is, before the previous election, he stood in front of a display of my books at a hamfest and suggested that I run.
You handled it like I would have. You expressed your opinion of his “old boy network” behavior in a grown-up way.
I don’t agree with the disqualifications, and I don’t agree with everything in ByLaw 18, but your actions very likely shut down any future engagement between you and your division director.
We don’t always have to agree 100% on every detail, and sometimes we don’t always understand someone’s position on a topic unless we engage them in reasonable and rational conversation. Your actions very likely closed that door.
The question you have to ask yourself is do you really think your anger had any impact on the director, or was it just a temper-tantrum?
That’s a good question. I do hope that he now sees how angry i and many others are about this issue.
I agree with your approach and your perspective. Shaking hands is a sign of courtesy and respect, and thus declining to do so is a sign of disapproval.
I’d have shaken his hand. In a world with so many serious problems, I find that I’m having to reserve my no-shake-hands occasions for particularly nasty felons and the like. Disagreements over policy, even the most contentious ones, don’t rise to this level.
I don’t think you were wrong. You were cordial, you didn’t berate him, you simply stated your dissatisfaction with his vote. Unless people tell him, he’ll never know. You did good Dan.
I would incline to say that situation could have been handled differently. By not shaking his hand, you have instantly raised a wall of indifference to an opportunity to potentially sway his decision for having supported the issue as indicated.
First impressions do include body language, intentional or not. When you declined, his opinions of the interaction changed to a defensive posture further reinforcing his decision. Without the will to entertain objections, should they have been presented in a cordial manor, the end result was wasted time for both parties which cannot be restored at a net loss.
If I were in his shoes, I would have simply walked following the initial rudeness.
You were justified. No one is owed a handshake just because they offer their hand. You approached this in a very adult manner. Elected officials need to be made aware of the opinions of their constituents – they work for us, not the other way around.
I think you were correct on not shaking his hand and telling him how you felt about his vote. He has to see he’s on a sinking ship that is losing members daily, and not just about the dies increase and the extra charge for QST. The CEO keeps telling the board, “All is well and swell,” when it isn’t. Boarder members need to grasp what is happening to to the League. THEY represent and take action.
In the US refusing to shake hands has roots in racism and bigotry, and is essentially saying “You are not worthy of even the most basic respect and dignity afforded to humans.”
The exceptions generally include reasons such as health and safety, injury, religious, etc, and apply to everyone one might be asked to give a handshake to. If you choose to shake most people’s hands, and then refuse one person, then the message above is the message you are sending.
Conversely, shaking hands with someone does not imply acceptance of their beliefs, actions, decisions, etc.
It goes further than “I disagree with your beliefs” and closer to “I disagree with your existence”.
On the world stage leaders are expected to be able to give and receive handshakes at the start of sometimes fractious debates and disagreements. It is not just common but expected for rivals to shake hands prior to a debate or discussion to acknowledge each other and as a sign of respect. When handshake refusals occur it is a significant sign of bad-faith by the person refusing the handshake, and is generally criticized. Recently when a senator’s husband appeared to refuse to shake hands with the vice president it was widely criticized as racist and bigoted.
So if you intended to suggest that they – not their actions, but they themselves – are not worthy of basic human rights and the respect and dignity all humans should enjoy, then you were not wrong to refuse a hand shake.